In a bar, spending money I don’t have, literally. So many stupid thoughts pass through my mind. Making decisions based off a belief in magic. Having thoughts of attaining happiness by happening upon the trick, the mind trick. The world is full of people. The periphery cannot be captured. I cannot share my mind satisfactorily. I am barred from giving all, so that the isolation is empty. I do not want to pursue worldly success, but I’m terrified of turning my back on the enemy. I don’t want to be without god, I’m so confused by this world, it seems incapable of being real, like it should fall apart from its poor construction at the slightest touch, at being turned on. I will never have friends, because I have no faith in not needing to pretend to be other than I am. Can I snear, when I want to snear, without it being anything more than my own suffering? I want to be good to people, do I have to pretend? I want people to like me, but I don’t think they do. I don’t like people, even the ones I’m desperate to bond with. Not the way I want to like them. I feel the truth that if I only stop pretending, if I only stop pretending…

But even to myself I think the lie is the truth, the truth a lie